Five months

That injection I mentioned last month? I've been having to do them weekly. And my body does not like them at all. The first one put me in the ER. It triggered one of the worst migraines I've ever had. I was crying, writhing in pain, and begging for relief. Of course it came with nauseousness, vomiting, vomiting, and more vomiting. Did I mention the vomiting? I tried to self medicate but the migraine and vomiting got worse and worse until I could do no more for myself. Again, I was hydrated and medicated at the hospital and sent home.

A few days after that ER visit was one of my routine treks to Cleveland. I had the usual tests--labwork, x-rays, spirometry--and doctor visits. I also had a Bravo prob inserted in my esophagus since the Ph probe testing failed at the last visit. I had had a migraine all day and after the sedation wore off it felt like I woke up with a jolt. A jolt from the gut to be exact. I was in such pain and was vomiting. (Nothing new there, eh?) They rushed me to the ER at the clinic where they treated me with what they called a migraine cocktail. That was the day I had my first ambulance ride ever. Ironic, isn't it? Even though I was at the Clinic, the place is so huge that taking the ambulance was faster.

So that brings us to five months post transplant. Five months! I hate to complain knowing full well what the alternative is. But truly, it has not been the easiest thing. The road in these woods is not the smoothest. In fact, it feels more like an uneven goat path than a road. In the four months I have been home I've had three return trips to the clinic, two of which included bronchoscopies, an endoscopy (the Bravo probe results were fine), and a trip to the ER; two additional trips to the ER at a local hospital; routine bloodwork about every week; a follow-up with our family practitioner; several injections; and a visit to the gynecologist, eye doctor, and dentist (like any compliant patient should do post-transplant). Considering all of that and the time it takes to organize my pill box (and the orders), and filling out my daily health log that consists of vitals--blood pressure, heart rate, weight, temperature--and spirometry readings, I spend a lot of time trying to keep these new lungs safe. And every poke, prod, and pain reminds me that I'm living on borrowed time. I admit... I get weary. I'm always plagued with side effects from the medicines and I deal with the anxiety that comes with living a life of impermanence.

I recently completed my letter for the donor family and will take it with me to my next appointment. (It will go through a third-party system until both parties have agreed upon open communication.) It took me several tries to finish it. This is actually my third version, totally revised and edited down to ten sentences. In ten sentences I expressed my gratitude for their gift. And, I clearly spelled out what I hope for... for them to contact me. Initially I wrote long letters. And then I read them and re-read them. I moved paragraphs around and changed words. I deleted stuff and added stuff and cried and re-read and started anew. How do I express a lifetime worth of thanks? In ten sentences. Perhaps less is truly more because honestly, I cannot find a word more meaningful than thanks when I have received such a remarkable gift.

Five months. The surprises, both good... and not so good, continue. I'll check in here once I get a little further down the road. Meanwhile I will continue to do my best and will keep following the goat...