There'll be days...

Today was one of those days. It hit me. I woke with a headache and one of those migraine aura things. My oxygen was desaturating pretty quickly with the slightest activity so I felt extremely unproductive with my already limited ability to function. I received more paperwork to add to my never ending pile of medical madness, including a new, full schedule for the Cleveland Clinic for the end of March... tests and appointments that will require a stay-over in Cleveland. I wanted to cry.

Of all things, I became obsessed with something so trivial. I wanted corn flakes. But not any ol' corn flakes. I wanted Erewhon organic gluten-free corn flakes. And, since many conventional grocery stores do not carry this particular brand, I assume it would have to be hunted down... perhaps from as far as the co-op, which is a considerable distance from me. And, even though friends have offered to pick up groceries for me, I felt it would be an unreasonable request to ask someone to track down this cereal, possibly available at some specific store, on today--a blustery, cold day. Nope. I just couldn't bring myself to ask.

I told myself it was just too silly to be so upset over these special organic corn flakes. But then I realized it's not about the cereal. It is my pain, my lack of control, my lack of freedom. I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the ability to get up the stairs without feeling light-headed. I'm mourning the loss of several seasons wasted visiting doctor after doctor trying to find out why I was wilting along with the summer flowers. I'm mourning the missed activities with my husband and daughter. I'm mourning what could have been...