My new friend--the one with the extremely rare form of Pulmonary Hypertension--introduced me to The Spoon Theory. It is truly a good explanation of what it's like to be limited by a disease and I hope all of my friends will read it. There are those of us who have a short supply of spoons each day and I am learning to pace myself, prioritize, and use my spoons wisely.
Slowing down. Being left out. Not getting stuff done. It is hard. All those little things I used to do each day that were so easy, are monumental tasks for me now. I cannot get enough oxygen. My heart works overtime. I'm on medications. They have side effects. By late morning my body is exhausted because inside... inside it has run a marathon. It's too much for my body to handle. It's breaking down. It's burning up. I cannot change the oil fast enough.
I cannot just do. I cannot just get up and walk and work and create and play. I have to plan ahead for everything. I have to account for every move, how far I need to walk, if there are stairs, and if I can take breaks. I have to plan my outings accordingly. I have to live my life around medicine mixing, ice pack changes (the IV med has to stay cold), and whether or not I will have the energy to carry around an oxygen tank (not to mention the amount of time each tank limits me to). I know I also have to be open to the unexpected and that it comes with consequences. Those are the days spoons are taken from me and I am left with nothing but empty hands, exhaustion, and tears. All I can do is wait and see if morning will bring me a few new spoons.
Today? There are so few spoons today. I must be careful...
I cannot encourage you enough to conserve your spoons for your most important moments with friends and family each day. This was/is so hard for me, but it is so, so important for the heart. Let everyone who loves you do everything else. And don't fret about it! I hope I'm not being annoying with all my comments and such, just tell me to back off if so and I will.
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